Ashes
by Shaddyr
Summary: People sometimes make hard choices for what seem like good reasons, and still lose everything in the end...


**Author note:** Written for **skidmofic**'s Song Lyric Challenge. I don't write angst. I just don't. It makes me sad and I usually want to eat a pound of cotton candy fluff fic after reading angst. And yet, these lyrics spoke to me of angst and pain and suffering, whispering in my ear. ::cries:: So while I normally _don't __write angst_, the muse, she wasn't listening to me, she was listening to the music...**  
Lyrics**: _Even when the dark clouds ga__ther, you will be the light__ - _Never Be the Sun by Dolores Keane_I'd never want to see you unhappy, I thought you'd want the same __for me_ - Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy**  
Summary**: People make hard choices for what seem like good reasons, and still lose everything in the end...  
**Word count**: 2259

Many thanks to _thecephalopod_ who looked it over when it was half done and helped me refine my direction.

* * *

It was overwhelming in a way that McKay hadn't expected. 

_The feel of strong, calloused fingers sliding up his back, pulling him closer.__ The taste of laughter and happiness on John's lips, stealing his breath away as they moved together, chest to chest, hip to __hip, so good, so perfect..._

Sure, he'd realized when it ended that working with John afterward would be awkward. After all, how do you walk into a staff meeting and sit next to the best friend you have spent the last 6 months (making love with) frantically screwing at every opportunity and act as though nothing has changed? What was the appropriate social etiquette when dealing with a (lover) fuck buddy when circumstances have created a situation that makes it untenable to continue?

_"It's too dangerous, Rodney." Sheppard's quiet voice delivered the death blow to what had been growing between them with deceptive gentleness._

_McKay nodded mutely, amazed at his own calm demeanour._

_John looked at the floor, at the wall - anywhere but at __**him**__. "Caldwell's been around so much __lately, ever since __t__he __Daedalus__ started__ making regular ru__ns__. We've got__ so many new staff - __and __these new marines__?" His voice was tight, angry. "T__hey __didn't live it, the not knowing if we could ever go __back__, the wondering if a__ll we would ever have left of __Earth was each other.__They aren't as understanding about things that happen in a closed community that__'s__ been cut off__ from home__If we slip up, if someone sees something..."_

_"What about Don't Ask Don't Tell?" McKay was surprised his voice sounded so normal, __as if he were__ asking about hockey scores or the price of beer._

_John shook his head and__ let out a bitter laugh. "It's great in __theory. And in the microcosm of an isolated Atlantis, it worked. Now that we are back in touch __with the SGC __and have personnel rotating in and out on tours of duty, __people __take __notice. They gossip. They __**ask**__. Al__l it would take is one report of inappropriate behaviour for them to haul me back to Earth__ for an inquiry_

_Typical. __Stupidity and paranoia from the American Military machine.__Because somehow the actions of two people of the same sex behind closed doors will cause the universe to implode."__McKay__ sighed, shook his head. "__Well, as much as I enjoy what we're been doing, I don't want to put you at risk of losing Atlantis for it. We need you here." __(I need you here)_

_John finally looked up at him. McKay forced a smile he didn't feel__. "Hey, still buddies right?" he asked weakly._

_John smiled back, but it didn't reach his eyes. __"Absolutely."_

They'd agreed not to let it change anything (but it did, of course it did). Just because they'd (loved each other) been getting each other off and couldn't anymore - well, that didn't mean they couldn't still be buddies. There would still be team movie nights, they would still eat lunch and play chess. It might be awkward to start, but they both agreed that with some time, they could adjust.

Awkward didn't even begin to cover it. McKay realized in the first 7 excruciating seconds of the first abysmally painful staff meeting after their split, that he couldn't think of a word to adequately describe how horrendously, awfully, incredibly bad it was.

_"Dr. McKay, are you quite alright?"_

_McKay jerked in his seat. "What?" _

_Heturned his gaze to Elizabeth. The annoyed look on her face morphed into one of concern. He realized with chagrin that he had been completely oblivious to what had gon__e on around him almost since he'd __entered the room. _

_"Sorry, sorry, just tired..." __He waved off her worry with mumbled excuses about overwork, lack of sleep and not enough coffee before stumbling through his report. As soon as the he fielded the last question about the power distribution grid, he fled the room as if the hounds of hell were after him._

_"McKay, wait..."_

_He pretended not to hear Sheppard call him, literally diving into the transporter to get away. John, however, had the benefit of regularly running with a caveman, and got his hand in before the doors closed._

_"Rodney."_

_He looked at the wall. "Something I can help you with Colonel?"_

_Sheppard winced but __McKay refused to__ let it bother him. (Oh, God John, I'm sorry, I can't do this, __it__ hurts too much please go away, please...)_

_"Rodney. Come on. We were friends__, and __I don't want to lose that. Have lunch with me. Please?"_

They tried to have lunch. Just the two of them. In less than 10 minutes, McKay was praying that the gods of physics would take a day off and let Maxwell's demon come out to play, because if a crisis didn't give him an excuse to get away, he was quite certain he would resort to killing himself and Sheppard just to put the both of them out of their misery. Fortunately, Radek chose that moment to approach him with a query about an anomaly in the city's recycling system. He was out of his seat and dragging Zelenka back to the lab to look into the matter before the startled scientist had even finished explaining.

Somehow, life went on. Life was strange that way, how it could continue, seconds spilling over into minutes that flooded into hours, cascading into days; this great big huge wash of time and life and energy, and how was it possible for life to keep happening when he wasn't even sure if he was alive on the inside anymore?

There were missions. There were crises. There were Wraith. Time and life marched on.

As time passed, there were moments, hours, even days when it seemed like he was getting his life back - and then, sometimes when he looked at John, it felt like cold-hot shards of glass were twisting in his gut, ripping him to nothingness, leaving a bloody twisted wreck. Sometimes he forgot to breathe, the pain leaving him gasping, chest heaving, vision going black around the edges. And John kept trying.

_"Hey Rodney."_

_McKay nodded, not trusting himself to speak._

_"We haven't played chess in a while. I was wondering if you wanted to get together after dinner tonight..." Sheppard trailed off, leaving the peace offering __lying__ between them._

_He was wearing the tentative smile, the lazy smile that held so much promise. Rodney sipped his coffee, but all he tasted was ashes. (Not yet John, I'm still too raw)_

_"I... thank you for the invitation, Colonel, but I have some work I really must attend to this evening."_

_Sheppard's face was a study of casual nonchalance, but the pain was clear in his eyes._

_"Okay then, Buddy. __Some other time."_

Despite the pain involved, he could never quite manage to free himself from John's orbit. Even in the bleakest times, the force of nature that was John Sheppard kept pulling him in. Moth and flame, sun behind the clouds, whatever you wanted to call it - that old adage (that he had always hated, still hated) that it was better to have loved and lost took on a personal meaning.

Things settled back into place, a routine of sorts, as much as anything in Pegasus could be considered routine. They went on a mission to barter for much need supplies, and John almost got married to the chieftain's daughter (again! Kirk!) and another mission to a planet where there was supposed to be a ZPM (so SICK of running for their lives!). Several subsequent missions went pear-shaped, ending with John injured after each of them - first strolling through the gate with a bullet in his arm, then coming home with a broken wrist - but the final time, being carried back to Atlantis between him and Ronon (Not the way it should be, John's not the one who's supposed to get carried back by him). It took Carson almost five hours of surgery to repair the damage, and for a while it had been touch and go. (Oh god, John, don't you dare die, God DAMN you, don't you leave me!) When Carson finally announced that Sheppard was out of danger, Rodney collapsed against the wall and slid down the floor, relief so strong it made his knees weak. He couldn't live with things the way they were anymore.

_He studied the figure in the __infirmary__ bed for a moment. Sheppard looked like shit - haggard, pale, like the fourth day of a three day binge. He was lucky to be alive._

_"Hey, Sheppard."__ (I miss you)_

_John's head whipped around and Rodney __could see the startled look in __his__ eyes_

_"Yeah Rodney?"_

_"You look like crap." (I wish I was strong enough to kick your ass after that stupid stunt you pulled - you scared me to death)_

_"Well, thanks Rodney."_

_"We h__aven't played chess in a while."__ (I was so worried, you could have died, and this would have still been hanging between us, unresolved) _

_The smile he got was blinding; it could have easily lit up the room at midnight._

_"No, we haven't."_

_"Well, I __think it's about time that I __reacquainted you with __the concept of failure then. You're getting a little too cocky about all these scrapes you manage to weasel out of, by sheer luck I might add.__(I will take whatever crumbs you are willing to give me)_

_"Well, you can try.__ Bring it on, McKay._

_And suddenly something shifted back into place, __easing__ the ever present ache __in__to a low grade throb._

Finally, after a long time (not long enough, never long enough) Rodney woke up one morning and brushed his teeth. He got dressed, checked his email, radioed Zelenka and went for coffee. He walked in to the cafeteria and spotted his team (John) across the room. And realized, with a shock that staggered him, he hadn't thought about Sheppard until he actually saw him.

Several weeks later, everything went to shit, and Rodney cursed the Ancients all over again for the stupidity they displayed in creating something as asinine as exploding tumours, and railed against the universe for taking one of his best friends.

Through it, though, he discovered that his mixed up feelings about Katie Brown, rebound girl who gave him something else to think about (not really, but he was trying to believe that) during that initial heartbreaking time when he and Sheppard went back to being just buddies (they would never be just buddies, but he'd take the friendship even if he could never have more) were actually deeper than he'd realized. She was genuinely nice. And competent. And she was really very smart - he'd looked at her file and it was really quite impressive for botany.

Even better, despite the whole Cadman debacle, she actually seemed to like him. He didn't feel like he had to compete with her, they were in totally unrelated fields of expertise, but she still appreciated his work and his dedication to it - and he appreciated hers. She was sweet, and pretty, and she had certainly heard about what a monster/tyrant/slave driver he was as a boss - despite the gossip about him, she still liked him.

_He'd taken her down to the south pier, and stealing a page from another man's playbook, laid out a simple picnic for them both. Katie had been pleased. They had talked and laughed, sometimes awkward, sometimes blushing, kind of like two teenagers unsure what the next move was. It had been like all the best parts of being 17 again for only a few hours._

They walked back slowly, quietly, enjoying each other's presence.

"I had a nice time tonight, Rodney."

Katie held his hand (her hands were so tiny, so unlike other hands he'd held) and smiled up at him.

"I'm glad." He really was. He smiled back at her, feeling a little silly and a little drunk. The wine was getting to him.

She stepped in closer, and his arms slipped around her waist (so tiny) as he inhaled her scent, fresh and soft and green. (the musky low note was missing) Her eyes were luminescent in the muted light of the Atlantis evening, her lips soft and moist, mesmerizing. He lowered his mouth to hers for a chaste kiss and felt her lips part before him, an invitation for more than he'd expected. She threaded her fingers up into his hair, pulling him in close, and he was surprised by the passion he felt it stir in him. He deepened the kiss, taking in the sweetness of her response like strawberries on his tongue, enjoying the heat of her body as she melded against him, the soft, breathy gasp she made when he gently pulled her head to one side and trailed kisses down her neck (no hint of stubble, skin so soft, so smooth, creamy perfection).

He heard something and glanced up to see Sheppard in his jogging clothes, frozen in the doorway to the pier. The look of utter devastation on his face ripped the carefully nurtured patch from McKay's heart, and suddenly he couldn't breathe. (I never wanted to see you unhappy, I thought you'd want the same for me)

Sheppard vanished down the hall as Katie's hand pulled his head back to neck, whispering murmurs of encouragement as she wrapped herself around him. He returned to suckling on the sweet skin before him, but all he could taste was ashes.

fini


End file.
